What an awful night. I haven't felt this bad in a really long time. I haven't acted this horribly in a long time either... This is definitely one of those nights where you wish you could just fall asleep and not wake up for years and year and years...to avoid thinking about and remembering everything that happened.
Maxine, from Judging Amy, said something about how whatever you fought about in your first argument in a relationship will be what you fight about for the rest of your lives. This, unfortunately, will probably be all too true in my relationship with Tom. This evening we had a huge fight because of the very thing we've been fighting about since the idea of the "two of us" first started. Yes, it was about Faye. As I've said a countless number of times, I cannot stand the way he handles things with his son's mother. Unfortunately, he seems to think there is nothing wrong with the way he talks to her and handles being a parent with her, and this bothers me to no end.
For years, she has been calling all the shots, controlling Tom, manipulating both Tom and Robert so that they end up doing whatever she wants them to do. As sad as it is, she has felt it necessary on numerous occassions to put Robert in the middle of their petty fights because she doesn't know how to handle things like an adult. Because of this, and becuase Tom doesn't have the balls to stand up to her and do whats right, he continually backs off until I'm no longer a blip on her radar and then we start from square one with Robert all over again. I have always understood that Tom's first priority is Robert and that we have to take things at a pace that Robert can understand and keep up with. But, Tom lets Faye get in the way as well and thanks to her, we are continually pushed further and further back to the point where we can barely progress as a couple.
Tonight, I was ready to kill Tom. Unfortunatley, I think I may have had we both let my anger escalate any further during our argument. I found out that Tom has been spending an inappropriate amount of time on the phone with Faye. Yes, I understang that it is necessary for him to speak with her in regards to Robert, but the phone calls that took place were far from appropriate in my mind. All of this came up because of a text message Faye sent Tom while he was at my place. After inquiring about it, I found out they had spent the evening before talking on the phone, joking around and discussing her feelings and how afraid she was of certain things. Am I crazy for thinking that is inappropriate? She has a history of blowing his kindness out of proportion, turning it into a huge deal about how he really cares about her and how he needs to be with her.
That kind of reaction on her part has happened a number of times, which is exactly why I am so angry with Tom for having those kinds of conversations with her. He should know better than to spend any more time talking to her than he absolutely has to. He should know better than to say things that might confuse her. He should know that these kinds of conversations hurt me, especially after everything I've been through just to be with him. Why can't he see all that?
Tom has a history of doing things behind my back, especially when it involves Faye. He does these things behind my back because he knows how much they bother me. The fact that he does these things despite knowing how much they hurt me, bothers me that much more....and thats why I exploded tonight. I went insane for a moment, because I was tired of having the same argument over and over and over again. I went insanse because my own fiance continues to do things that hurt me, despite knowing how much they hurt me. I went insane tonight because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get Tom to comprehend the pain I've been through because I chose to be with him. For a moment, I wanted him to feel even a fraction of the pain and hurt and rage and anger I feel all at the same time because of all the things I've been through all piling up on top of me with no one to help me or keep me from feeling the pain.....