I couldn't even stand to look in the mirror today. For some reason I felt so incredibly ugly. I hated seeing the face staring back at me. As much as I wanted to believe it wasn't mine, I knew...I knew it had to be mine.
I have days like this from time to time. Where I don't recognize myself. Where I can't stand to look at myself, I'm so afraid of what I see. I felt so ugly. All I could see was the pale face, the squinty eyes surrounded by dark puffiness, the mottled cheeks, the flat hair plastered to my forehead.
I couldn't see anything but the flaws I've been trying to hide for the past how ever many months. I can't even remember when I started caring. When did it actually start to matter to me?
As repulsive as I felt today, I some how managed to stop worrying about it. I don't know how, but I did. But, it didn't stop me from thinking....thinking about why I actually started caring in the first place. Because I actually wanted to matter. Did I matter before? no, not really. Do I matter now? Again, no not really. But now, now...I'm being compared.
What do you think you're doing? Have you seen her? Don't even bother....you're nothing compared to her. You have seen her, right?
How could I have not seen her? Constantly in my face, whether we know it or not. Don't you think it bothers me too? How can I live up to that? Why bother? It'll only lead to disappointment, won't it?
It'll happen...and I know why.
Because I'm ugly.