So, my last journal entry didn't make much sense. And rather than try to make sense out of the rambling mess I left for all of you to figure out, I'm just sort of going to leave it at that for now, and come back to it some other time. Lets just say I wasn't (haven't been) feeling the greatest about myself and my situation at the present time. It'll get better....I suppose.
Last night I spent the evening with Sterling and a group of people he graduated from high school with. While the evening itself was fun, it depressed the hell out of me at the same time. I had a great time meeting everyone, there were quite a few interesting people there who managed to keep me entertained. I found one girl particularly amusing because of her obsession with all things girlie. I'm talking fashion and style and beauty products and skin care regimines. I couldn't help but sit there and make sarcastic remarks at her expense under my breath the entire night. After we all went our separate ways, Sterling couldn't help but comment on the fact that the girl and I were pratically polar opposites. It got me wondering....am I supposed to be girlie? I'm a far cry from the tomboy I was just a few years ago, but do I still have light years to go before I finally acheive typical girl status?
As if I wasn't already questioning my identity enough that evening, the fact that I was completely surrounded by couples didn't help matters much either. They weren't just couples, either. They had all been together....for years. One couple had been married for over a year. One couple seemed rather close to heading in that direction. Either that, or they are both just completely affectionate people. For the most part, it doesn't bother me that I am alone. I've chosen to be in this position, so I have to live with it until other opportunities arise. But, when you're surrounded by it, theres no way you can go an entire evening without wishing you had someone to share it with. Its one of those things that doesn't bother me but as soon as its in front of me, I'm reminded of what I want and what I don't have.
Of course, I couldn't just leave it at that. I had to bring myself down even further with the realization that I will be alone for Christmas. For the first time in seven years. Wow. I can't believe it. I don't really want to believe it, but I have no choice at this point. My family has been bugging me about who's coming to Christmas dinner at my house this year. Sadly, I had to say no one. Its alright, I suppose. I'm not entirely alone, I do have my entire family, and for that I'm much more fortunate than many people. But still....I always liked having someone to share my crazy family Christmas with. So I could have someone to run off and sit and talk with to get out of doing dishes. Someone to meet under the mistletoe ;0) No one will be there with me. I guess I'm ok with it....I'll have to be, won't I? It'll be weird, though.