I look like hell today.
It may have something to do with the fact that I'm wearing a white button up dress shirt that is slightly too large for me, completely covered in wrinkles and pretty see through. It also may have something to do with the fact that I'm wearing my dress pants with the elephant flare legs and low low low rise waist. I look ridiculous. It may be that, or it may be that the lack of sleep really took its toll on me this time. It's strange, though...I don't feel nearly as worn out as I look. I suppose the puffiness around my eyes is from the hours of crying I've done in the past couple of days. Although it wreaked havoc on my appearance, I feel a little better after that release. All that pressure building up, it just got to me and something just made me go. And I finally stopped some time last night.
Somewhere in the middle of all that crying I did, I got some answers. Not all of them were what I was hoping for, but I finally got some answers and thats all I can ask for really.
One last question, though...I promise. How important does something have to be to me in order for you to want to be a part of it? I can picture it being my birthday or graduation or something equally important to me...and you not being there for it because of...well, the thing you told me about. I can only imagine how heartbroken I would be, if I were to perform again and not have you there to support me.
What then?
With that in mind, can you really blame me for wanting to find other people to do things with? If you won't go with me to the DIA, or the DSO, or to nice restaurants, or any of the numerous other things I've grown to love doing, am I supposed to deny myself these things? If you were to say yes, you know I would stop doing these things for you. But also know that if you were to tell me to stop doing these things since you can't, a part of me would be missing.