You're supposed to make sacrifices for people, right? Especially those you care deeply for? That's what I thought.
After last night, I couldn't help but think about the sacrifices I've had to make, and will have to make, for this guy. But then again, he isn't just any guy. I wouldn't go through what I do for him if I didn't think him nearly as amazing or wonderful or [insert any number of equally fitting adjectives here] as I do. I wouldn't do it if I didn't love him.
But...eventually you start asking yourself if its actually worth it. All that pain, heartache, all the sacrifices. Is it all worth it? For a majority of the time, I've been strong enough to say yes, it has been worth it. Yes, it is worth it. But, I am human and I falter. I am only so strong and sometimes I end up giving in to that horrible voice in the back of my mind.
So, what did that voice say to me in my evening of insanity last night?
I, of course, questioned whether or not it was all worth it. The relationship is on his terms. We are under so many limitations given his situation, its useless for me to have any say what so ever in the relationship, other than whether or not I actually want to be in the relationship. I knew this would be the case going into it. I knew there would be massive restrictions and all the limitations, and I was ok with it. I chose to be a part of it anyways because I wanted to be with him and those were the consequences I'd have to face in order to get that.
And then I wondered just how many sacrifices I've made so far by being in this relationship. How many nights would I have spent crying in my room, alone, had I been in the wrong mood, like last night? Its hard to say. When I'm in a normal, understanding, patient mood, I don't keep track. I don't notice them as being sacrifices. I just see them as being choices I willingly make to be with him. So I wonder how many nights I've sat at home, wondering if he was going to call, or if he was going to be able to stop by, if only for a few minutes. How many dinners have I bailed out on? How many people have I blown off in the hopes that I'd see him?
Because I let it go too far, here's where I went wrong. Thinking about the things I just mentioned aren't the real reason why I was so upset. It was a combination of a lot of things actually. But, mainly this: on the way home from class last night I couldn't help but begin to compare this relationship with previous ones. I couldn't help but compare all the things I could do and couldn't do in the two relationships. All the things that I loved to do that I can't do in this current relationship. All the things that I'm missing out on. Again, the sacrifices because of the person I am with.
This was my big mistake. You never, ever do that. Why would you do that to yourself? You left one relationship to get out of it because obviously something wasn't working right. So why would you kill yourself like that and compare it to your current one? But it was the combination of that and the phone call that really set me off.
Where am I at today? I don't really know. I woke up not feeling quite right this morning again, and rather than chance continuing my train of thought from last night, I at least blanked out all emotion for the day. While getting ready in the dark, I turned on Radiohead and just let it play me into that melancholy grey blahness I've come to know so well in my life. I suppose its better to feel nothing at all than to have your thoughts take control of you. I'm sorry if none of this seems to make sense to any of you, its probably the fog in my head talking.
Or the funk, as Meghann likes to call it. I think you're right, Meghann...must be contagious. Too bad Florida didn't quite work out. We could really stand to get away from here for a while.