Ignore my post from yesterday. I don�t know what my problem was. My body had been wearing down for quite a while and by the time I sat down in that chair and stared out the window, my mind was starting to go as well. I�m just worn out, that�s all. Nothing is really wrong, I�m just tired and getting weird. I would have thought this was to be expected from me by now, but I guess not.
I know it was weird, coming down from the amazing day I had with him. The hours we spent together, doing nothing in particular. It was great, just the two of us. I was prepared to go at 3:30 as usual, just before the bus came. But he asked me to stay. I tried to go a few times, but he kept saying I should stay. I couldn�t figure out why he wanted me to stay, but he kept asking me. So I did.
I can�t remember the last time I felt so out of place, so uncomfortable in a situation. Even more so than the trip to the bookstore. I can�t help but feel out of place and unwelcome when I�m around his family, the kid, anyone but him. I�m not really sure why I feel this way, they�ve all been nothing but nice and somewhat receptive to my being there. But still. I can�t seem to shake that feeling like I just really don�t belong there. Maybe its because I still have that mindset that the less evidence there is that I actually exist, the better. Because of that I just should not be seen at all. Who knows�.
I didn�t want to do it, I never wanted to actually say it, but I did. I ended up explaining my post from the other day to him. I couldn�t just make something up, so I told him. I really wish I wouldn�t have. He is right about it�saying that is incredibly manipulative. I didn�t want to be like that, but I ended up using it against him. I feel absolutely horrible for it now, because every thing he says about it now, those words sting me. He made the decision, but I can�t help but feel guilty for pushing him to a decision he may not have wanted to make in the first place. I never wanted to be that manipulative person, using the phrase �if you loved me, you would��
Today while I was at work, he called me up and said he had a surprise for me if I could see him after work. He told me he made an exception for me. And he did, for which I am completely grateful. I had a wonderful time and I hope he did too. But, it was a bitter sweet victory for me, I suppose you could say. In the back of my mind, I couldn�t help but thinking about how he�d probably rather be at home just to be near the kid. I could tell by the way he checked his phone every minute (until she started calling, that is) that he was somewhere else, rather than sitting at the table with me.
Listen to me whine�I can hardly believe myself.
It was a wonderful evening and that�s all that matters.