I feel like I've just been punched in the stomach.
I always say that next time things will be different. Next time I'll stand up for myself, next time I will confront her about what she's doing, what she's putting us through.
Well, I had my chance today and I failed miserably. Rather than standing up for myself, rather than letting her know that she's not the only one thats hurting, I let her get to me. I sat there. Like a fucking lump. Hands in my lap. Staring down at the floor. Listening to them yell back and forth in the parking lot.
I didn't do a damn thing about it.
I didn't do anything about it when he dropped me off and let her into the car. I didn't do a thing about it when he was over half an hour late coming back....because he was sitting out in the parking lot with her.
But I did do something.
I did something about it when he did come back, and couldn't even acknowledge the fact that I was still there. He couldn't even bother to see how I was doing, if I was alright. He couldn't tell me what was going on, why he had sat there with her for that long. I did something about it.
I left. I left work an hour early, just to get out of there. I couldn't stop shaking. My voice would barely sound past a whisper. I was of absolutely no use at that point, so I left. I knew he wouldn't have noticed anyways, he wasn't going to say anything.
I broke down the moment I got into my car to drive home. I was in hysterics, sobbing so hard I could barely breathe. I could barely see the road on my way home, the tears were coming so fast. When I got home, I did something I haven't done in a long time. I had never wanted to do that to myself again, but I was in such a nervous, anxious, agitated state, it felt like that was the right thing to do, like it used to.
I don't understand why he has to keep giving her so many chances. What difference is it going to make? If its been this long since they've been able to work things out, does he really think they can work things out now? Does he really think she's going to change? That she's going to be understanding about all of this? My biggest fear is that all of these chances are him desperately trying to make things better between the two of them, so they can be together again.
Could this be my biggest fear coming true?