I had to face my prof today, and tell her why I never called her back this weekend. I was so incredibly nervous talking to her, she's so nice and I hate the fact that she's putting more work and effort into my proposal and thesis than I am.
But, I told her the truth, most of it anyways. And it worked.
I didn't tell her that I've been having breakdown after breakdown for the past two weeks. I didn't explain to her that instead of working on fixing my rejected proposal, I've been sitting at home, like a blob, crying my eyes out, slicing my arm, walking around listlessly like a zombie, completely incapable of intelligent thought. No, I figured it wouldn't do to tell her all that, it wasn't necessary.
Instead, I told her about how discouraged I have become after my meeting with the powers that control whether or not my proposal and thesis are approved. She understood completely why I had pretty much given up on the project, but reassured me that it was their downfall, not mine, that seemed to be causing all the problems with my thesis. Even she was completely upset by the outcome of the meeting. My advisor explained that once academics are tied to a certain scholarly format themselves, they expect others to follow that exact format as well. Unfortunately, I do not want to do things Jude's way, but if his way is the only way to graduate from the Honors College, well...so be it.
I was hoping to avoid doing yet another research paper, something I've been doing in every single lit class I've had for the past four and a half years. I'm tired of regurgitating information I've read from so-called scholarly research books back onto paper for so-called academics to read and critique my analysis. I do not want to do that, I find this completely unsatisfying. Unfortunately, this is exactly what I have to do because this is all the so-called academics who will review my proposal seem to understand. Apparently, my academic satisfaction means little to these people. Its sad, really, that I am unable to convince these people that their way is not the only way, and it certainly isn't the
Here I go, climbing out of the pits of despair to try this one more time....