things are tense here.... my mom hasn't left her room all day, save for a fifteen minute shower.
I haven't left my room all day either. I'm too afraid to. I finished the Jenna Jameson book today. Downloaded a shitload of music. All I've eaten today: a zebra cake and a handful of ghiradellis. Why? because thats all I had to eat in my room.
Steph hasn't come home yet. She left for David's last night, and to my knowledge hasn't called or anything. Why does she do this? Not that my hiding out in my room is any better...I wish I had somewhere to run away to like her.
I've already had one breakdown today. "Its a lot worse to be lonely in the company of someone you supposedly love than it is to be lonely by yourself." I am so lonely. But, it doesn't matter how much I say that, or how badly it hurts, it doesn't change anything. Tom still tells me to "hang in there a few more hours," a few more months, he says.
I wish it were as simple as putting all of this on hold for a few months so he could help me in the capacity that I so desperately need him to help me. But I can't...I can't just ignore the most painful part of my life I've ever experienced, put it on hold because he's not ready to help me. Why can't he help me? Why does he have to take care of everyone else first? Why won't he help me now?
It sounds selfish, I know. I hate being this selfish. But you'd think that after everything he's put me through, now that he's not the only thing causing me such severe pain, that he'd make up for everything. But of course not...I'm still asking for too much.
Something is burning....the smoke alarm is going off. whats going on?
what a way to start 2005....happy new year everyone.