I. Am. Exhasuted.
Exhausted usually comes after a Saturday night full of fighting and crying. Exhausted usually comes after a ten hour shift at work after a Saturday night full of fighting and crying. Exhausted usually comes after...
I think you get the point.
The fighting between Tom and I continued last night, making it the fourth night in a row I believe. Last night was bad. Really bad. However, I did manage to make it through the entire phone conversation without hanging up on him, as I usually do when I get so incredibly frustrated at myself and him for not being able to get my point across. Mature, I know.
I don't know what to do at this point about our relationship. If you can even call it a relationship anymore. I don't love him. I haven't for quite some time. I have been struggling with that fact for many months now. Why am I still with a person I no longer love? Why don't I love him anymore? How could I possibly love a person who would do this to me? Why would I want to believe that someone who claims honestly loves me, would treat me the way they have all this time?
Tom loves to point out that its so "me" to pin the blame on everyone else but myself, our relationship included. He loves to point out that we wouldn't have a problem if I could see things differently. But, after everything that has happened in our relationship, how else could I possibly see these things? What other point of view am I missing? Points of view aside, can you really control how things make you feel? How they really make you feel? I'm not so sure you can...and even if I believed you could, why should I have to be the one to change the way I feel and the way I react to everything? Who else in their right mind would have stuck around and gone through the stuff I did and still do?
Why can't I get him to understand this?
If theres one thing I wish I could get him to understand, it would be that he is far more responsible for things than he would like to admit. Yes, he is responisble for how things turned out in our relationship. Yes, he is responsible for Fayes psycho reactions and outburts. But he never wants to admit that. And even if he did admit it, he still wouldn't do anything to change any of it.
I'm tired of hearing him talk about how I need to be patient and quit letting stuff get to me all the time. Two years is a long time to be patient and to stand back and let all this shit go on. Two years is a long time to wait with still no proof that some day we'll have the relationship we've talked about all this time. I'm tired of talk...I want something to actually happen.
Last night I told him I couldn't be with him any more. I am tired of being hurt all the time, of being told to wait. I can't be with Tom if he's going to keep acting like this and doing these things. At this point, I would much rather be alone for the rest of my life than have to go through any more of this bullshit with him. I understand now that he can't give me what I want, and I was foolish, completely stupid and naive to think that he could actually give it to me. I was stupid to think that I could give him a better life, that I could be for him all those things that no one else ever was or ever wanted to be. But if he won't let me, thats his fault. I'm not sticking around hoping that some day he'll let things change for those things to happen.
I spent two years hurting. I'm not about to waste any more time with this painful relationship.
All he had to say was that he was wrong... that he couldn't give me what I wanted. All he had to do was admit that he couldn't make me happy.
All he had to do was say "I'm sorry..." and let me go.