Yes, my journal has become one of those annoying online journals that whines and complains about anything and everything concerning a particularly emotional relationship. I never meant for it to develop into this, but it has. A few years ago, in one of my writing classes, my prof taught us that in order to write with an authentic voice, you must write what you know. So, I'm writing what I know...
If that's the case, well then...this is all I know at the moment. My life is, and has been for quite some time, completely consumed with the pain, embarassment, stupidity, etc. of my relationship with Tom. Not even for quite some time...it has been the whole time I've been with him.
I went back and read some of the entries I wrote this time last year and the year before. Even then, my entries were filled with anxious/stressed/deeply depressed feelings. The only thing that has changed in the past two years is that I am now much more bitter and angry towards everything that has happened. And most of all, towards Tom. My love for him has been replaced with anger. My hopes of giving Tom a better life have disappeared all together, leaving nothing but dispair in its place.
I look back at how I did everything differently in this relationship than I have in previous ones. I never lied to Tom. I never cheated on him. I never gave him a single thing to worry about...the only time he worried was when he gave himself something to worry about. I had more patience for him than I've had for anyone in my life...combined. Knowing all of this, seeing that I was capable of all of this, of being a decent person, I wish I would have given this side of myself completely to another person. Someone who was far more deserving of these traits in a companion. Someone who was willing to do the same for me.
My counseling sessions have primarily focused on one thing in my life: relationships. I don't think I've had a decent relationship with anyone in my life, ever. Friend, boyfriend, family...all of my relationships have been marred by something, leaving me with no real bond with anyone. I'm left feeling alone and empty afterwards, looking back on it wondering how and where it all went wrong. I've been doing that a lot with past relationships lately....