Its November 25, and I have five days left in the NaNoWriMo contest. At this point, I'm not going to make 50,000 words in a month, I just can't seem to muster up enough motivation to crank out the wordage I need to in order to finish. But, I'm slowly adding to it day by day none the less. I was adding to it this eveing when I felt I needed to go back in my journal archives looking for a little inspiration and reminder of certain events I wanted to write about.
While I was there, I ended up reading through at least six months worth of archives from a not so pretty time. Its amazing how quickly I become depressed to the point where I can't even breathe. Maybe not that I can't breathe any more, but rather that I just wish I could stop breathing at that particular moment...and fade away. I'm sure I felt like that then, and I certainly felt like it now rereading all of that.
Its bad enough that I've been seriously questioning the lifelong committment I've made to Tom, I had to go back and read about "us" from the very beginning, and that, dear readers, certainly isn't pretty. I hate the fact that things happened the way they did between us, that Tom chose to treat me the way he did, all because he thought it would be easier this way. I look back, and the bad entries out number the good many times over. And it makes me wonder how I managed to stay with him through all of that, and why I decided to spend the rest of my life with a guy who has yet to figure out how I'm going to fit in his life with all the baggage he carries around with him.
I'm not quite sure where I'm going with things at this point. I really wish I wouldn't have sat here for the past hour reading all of that....
I can't stop wondering how the future can be any good when the past was so horrible?