I don't know about you, but the holidays are starting to get to me. The long hours at work, working in retail with all the asshole customers, making sure I rememebered presents for everyone, and figuring out what the plan is this year. Its bad enough I always get incredibly depressed in winter, especially around the holidays, no matter what is going on. This year, on top of all the additional stress, things are getting really bad for me....
Tom, Robert and I went to the movies this afternoon to see The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Robert has the next two weeks or so off of school for the holidays, so we had to alter our normal Thursday afternoons together. I'll admitt it, I really didn't want to go with the two of them. I'm tired of dealing with the consequences of wanting to spend time with the two of them. Everyone in Robert's life, except for Tom, has taught Robert that it is not ok to spend time with me. Robert's mother takes it out on Robert any time she finds out I was with him, and makes him feel bad about it. Tom's mother either throws me out of the house, telling Tom I shouldn't be there, or scolds Tom for being such a bad father for bringing me around his son. So, yeah...you could say I no longer look forward to spending time with Robert, now that it has become this stress inducing event.
There was a time the three of us could have fun together, but everyone has ruined it for us. I used to love being this goofy person around Robert. I'd try to be this fun person that he wouldn't mind having around because I'd give him piggy-back rides and tickle him, trying to make him laugh and have a good time. I wanted to be his friend more than anything, I have never had any intentions of being a step-mom or any sort of family figure to him. Plain and simple, I wanted to be his friend. But everyone took that away from me and taught him that I am not a good person to want to spend time with.
So, now I drag my feet when Tom wants the three of us to spend time together. I ask a million questions, to make sure that Robert understands that I will be there, and that I don't have to go if he doesn't want me to. I make Tom check and double check, just to avoid any problems afterwards. But still, Tom made me go to the movies, trying to persuade me that everything is ok, when I know for a fact it isn't...
I went to the movies with them, though. I got in the car, said my hellos and then sat there in complete silence the entire way to the movie theater. The nice thing about the movies, you can't talk through them, you don't have to interact with anyone, despite being shoved in a giant room full of other people. So, I kept to myself the whole movie, making it seem as though I was just another person in the theater Tom had to sit next to because there weren't any other open seats. The ride back was just as quiet. Other than just being this person sitting in the front seat of the car, why would I want to be anything else to Robert? I didn't want to say anything or do anything with him, because I figured the less interaction I had with him, the more likely he was to forget that I went with them. And if I "didn't go" with them, then no one would get in trouble.
As if you couldn't tell, I'm completely lacking in the logic department right now, since things aren't making too much sense. But really, what else can I do at this point? Everyone in Tom's life has made it perfectly clear that they don't care what he does when its just him, but when Robert's concerned, everyone has to get involved and tell him what he can and can't do. And it has been made perfectly clear that everyone is trying their hardest to make sure that I don't come between Tom and Robert, when they don't even know the slightest thing thats going on. I wish they knew what it was like, being in a relationship with a person knowing full well that they would be dropped and forgotten the moment they tried to come between him and his son....
My head hurts too much to try and explain the situation any further. This has always been one of those things where no matter how hard I try to explain it, no one understands what went on...
Go see The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. I enjoyed the movie, despite the fact that Liam Neeson was the voice of Aslan. yuck.