Dan hates me.
Despite all these years apart and with all the explanations, confessions, and apologies I have given him...he still hates me. I have learned that he also blames me, or at least finds ways to blame me, for anything that goes wrong in his relationship with Mary. He never deserved to go through the things I put him through towards the end of our relationship. And he doesn't deserve to be going through the things he is now... I suppose I was just sort of hoping I wouldn't still be the person to blame for all of this.
I'm sure its rather naiive of me at this point to think that the two of us could ever be friends, considering everything that has happened. At this point, I've learned its better to keep my mouth shut and leave him alone, because it seems as though the more I try to explain myself, the more I try to apologize, the less good it seems to do for everyone. Instead of Dan taking my apology at face value and forgiving me, he'll probably continue to hate me for the rest of his life. And, instead of getting any sense of resolution out of it, I'm left feeling like I'll be hanging in limbo for all eternity.
I'm not quite sure where all of this is going or what I even hoped to accomplish with this.... I just wish he didn't hate me...