I met the kid the other day. Well, it came as close as it could to meeting a small kid anyways. I was completely thrown off guard when he showed up at work, on his day off, toting the kid around, to have lunch with me. I had seen the kid before, whenever she brought him into work. I never looked at the kid before really...just sort of knew who it belonged to because of her. Anyways...even after seeing him for an hour, I still couldn't tell you what the kid looked like. I was afraid to look at the kid. I was afraid of being around the kid. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt so incredibly uncomfortable, and it was all because of a five year old. What's wrong with me?
We wandered around the bookstore. Or should I say I tried walking off and hiding amongst the shelves, but they'd always find me. I tried leaving them alone. I knew I didn't belong there. But he kept forcing me to be there. It didn't feel right, you know? Being there with them. The kid shouldn't see me. The kid shouldn't know I exist. I only complicate things further. I hate knowing the fact that I have the potential to ruin both of their lives. Thats too much pressure for one person. Enough to want out?
So, once again I've found myself getting in the way of something. I am always in the way. Who knows how many things I've ruined in the various relationships I've had with people. Why does this always happen? How do I manage to get myself into messes like these over and over and over again?
I can't ruin this. I can't get in the way...
I freaked out in front of him tonight. After work he followed me home for what was only supposed to be a little bit, but ended up being a few hours. He has the kid tonight, since she's going out and leaving him home, so he had to get home for that. I hadn't been feeling right for the past couple of days and was ready to explode at any second. I only wish I could have held it in for just a few more minutes.
He was just about to head out the door when Steph's friends broke an antique lamp in our basement. That was the straw that broke the camels back I suppose you could say. The shock of that threw me off I guess. I was hugging him goodbye when all of a sudden I was crying and couldn't stop. Then I came close to being hysterical, trying to push him out the door, so he wouldn't see me fall apart like that. I never wanted anyone to see me like that, but he wouldn't leave and I couldn't control it.
I suppose it was a good thing he was there when it happened, no matter how much I hated having him see me like that. I was so close to having another destructive breakdowns. Its been such a long time since my last one...I was hoping I wouldn't have to go through that again. But he saved me.
I used to have breakdowns like this all the time. I don't know why. Usually stress and other crap built up to be too much for me to handle and then I'd explode. When it wasn't the stress, it was just me getting to myself. My thoughts and inner dialogue would become too overpowering for my weak mind. Most of the time I'd just become real withdrawn and hide out and cry for a few days. Sometimes I'd become physically harmful to myself. After a while, I was able to control them more or less. If I could feel an episode coming on, I could hold it in for as long as I could, to prevent it from happening at bad times. The downside to trying to hold it in like that was that it would usually result in more intense episodes.
Unfortunately, the past couple of episodes, I haven't been able to hold them in at all. And they've appeared with little or no warning. Once again I'm left not knowing what is going on with myself. I hate that feeling.
And I hate knowing that someone could see me like that again.