Tuesady after class, I met Tom at Dick O'Dowds so we could sit and discuss some stuff. We were hoping the fact that we were in a public setting would keep things quiet, but that didn't quite happen the way we had planned.
Tom went there to write a bit and have a pint after his meeting with Faye's counselor. Yes, Tom agreed to see the counselor with Robert after Sunday's fiasco. Even after talking ot him about it, I'm not quite sure what was resolved, if anything, but Tom felt it was the right thing to do. I tried talking to him about the meeting, to see what was said and what happened, to see if Faye was there (my biggest concern about him going) and all that. I barely got any answers out of him, he seemed incredibly hesitant to talk to me about anything.
Already hurt from what happened Sunday, and what he said to me that afternoon (since he took the day off of work) I lost my patience with him and just let everything fly. I threw at him a lot more stuff than I should have, and I didn't even feel better afterwards, but I couldn't stop. I should have because he lashed out at me so hard, I barely had time to take a breath before I started crying hysterically right in the middle of the bar. The guys a few tables over from us were staring at me so I stood up, put on my coat and ran out. Tom kept trying to get me to sit back down but there was no way I was going to sit there with him feeling the way I did.
Tom has a way of making me feel like I want to die. He takes all the hope and life out of me, I don't even know what to do anymore. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't do anything other than try to suck air into my collapsed lungs and cry. I wanted to die. I walked hopelessly to my car, Tom desparately trying to calm me down. We sat in my car for a few minutes, but I couldn't stop. Everything he said to me just hurt me more and more, to the point where I felt incredibly sick. I was crying so hard, I was choking....and I couldn't stop.
Even after Sunday, I had tried my hardest to quell any thoughts I may have had about running away after graduation to get away from everything. The dull ache I feel for everything I left behind with Dan. The sharp, stabbing, suffocating pain I feel with Tom from time to time. But at that point, all I could think about was either dying, never having to live through that again, or moving far away from everything and attempting to forget while living a new life.
With as mean as Tom has been to me after all this, after everything I've done for him, I can't figure it out. The moment I heard what happened on Sunday, I rushed over to his house to talk to him about it and help him feel better. I even sank so low in the pathetic category to drive him all around the city looking for Faye's car...and stupid, naiive me sat outside her house freezing for an hour waiting for her to get home with Robert, just to help Tom feel better. I don't understand why he's being so cold and downright hateful to me...
I don't get it.