I've never missed Dan's family as much as I do now. I mean, I've always missed them, just not nearly this much.
I loved them.
And they loved me.
I was welcomed in their home.
I was a friend, not a guest.
I was a part of their family.
They talked to me.
They listened to me.
My opinion mattered.
They knew who I was as a person.
They cared about who I was as a person.
They actually wanted me around.
They were so many other things to me, too. So many other things that at the time, I didn't think mattered. But now that I am where I'm at today, I realize how much all of that actually mattered to me.
I sit here today at my keyboard, choking back tears yet again, thinking about how much I miss Dan's family. How much I miss feeling like I belong. How much I miss feeling like I was really loved.
As if things with my family weren't bad enough, with a mom who cries behind her sunglasses but never says why, with a dad who has too many secrets and can't even sit still at the dinner table long enough to talk to us, and with a sister who I just can't get close with, now I have to deal with yet another family who doesn't want me around.
Last night I heard, for the second time, how much I get in the way of things for Tom, from his parents. I know now, after hearing all of this, how much they do not want me around. I now know I Will never be welcomed in their house, in their family. I will never have any of those things I've mentioned above that I want so dearly.
If Tom's family had a problem with me, I figured I'd find out about it eventually, but I never thought they would be so blatently open about it. I am considered a guest, and probably always will be, in their home and must abide by certain rules. They have pointed out, to my face, that I get in the way. They have also pointed this fact out, not in front of me, but while talking (very loudly) in the next room. And, they are a large part of why I can't see Tom very often.
I don't know what to do any more. So many things are against us. So many things have gone wrong and continue to go wrong for us. All of this has been way too painful for me. I was so close to giving up last night. Giving up on everything because I was tired of the pain and so very tired of trying to have something that I'll never have. I didn't, though... because he asked me not to. Once again, he promised me better times ahead, he promised me change. Promises that I'll never see fulfilled. But I guess I'm in this until I no longer feel anything but pain from everything I've been thought. I'm in this until I don't even know what happiness is.