Yeah, I know its late and I shouldn't be up, given the fact that I have a ridiculous meeting at work way too early in the morning tomorrow...but I just got home. Its been a really long day and I can't wait for it to be over.
I had a horrible night at work tonight on top of a horrendous headach that I could not get rid of. Tonight was my trial in systems sales and I blew it big time. I was horrible. I'll bet you anything that they're never going to give me another shot in systems to show them what I can really do. Needless to say, the stress got to me before, during, and after my shift.
Besides all that, I've had a lot of other crap bombarding my head all day today and I can't get it to stop. Most of the issues have something or other to do with Tom, but I was too afraid at first to talk to him about any of them. Of course, all of that backfired on me when I got too anxious about trying to have a civil conversation with him with as shitty as I felt and attempting to keep my mouth shut about certain things, it all went to hell from there.
We spent the rest of the evening arguing. Such is the case when I'm feeling incredibly insecure or unhappy about the relationship and Tom makes it perfectly clear that he sees absolutely no point in talking about any of it. I don't see how he could possibly be helping me feel better by telling me to stop talking about those types of things. All it did was agitate me even more, and by midnight, I was speeding over to his house to talk to him in person. It was quite obvious we couldn't accomplish anything over the phone at that point.
Most of the issues I had stemmed from the fact that today was Robert's 7th birthday. I was pissed off that even though I specifically told my manager that I can never close on Saturday nights, my one and only systems shift was a closing shift. There was nothing I could do to switch, so I was stuck closing and couldn't hang out with Tom and Robert for Robert's birthday. I had been stressing myself out for the past two weeks about Robert's birthday...wondering whether or not I should bother giving him a present. In the past year and a half, since I started trying to introduce myself to Robert, I have not been able to give him a single present in person. That always pissed me off and it was perfectly clear that the trend wasn't about to change any time soon. So, my argument was this: if I can't give my present to him in person, and if it pretty much always goes unappreciated, whats the point of wasting my money getting him anything anyways? I figured it would cause a lot less heartach and stress on my part, so I didn't bother. But, it pissed me off either way because things are like this in the first place.
On top of all that, I got really pissed when Tom told me what he did for Robert's birthday. Last year on Robert's birthday, I sat on my deck holding Tom as tightly as I could trying to get him to stop crying. He was beyond upset at the fact that Faye had taken Robert away from him on his birthday and wouldn't let Tom attend the birthday party she had planned for him. How shitty is that? As if that wasn't bad enough, his family members knew about it and didn't say a single word to him about it. I was pissed then...and I'm still pissed now that they thought they could do that to Tom. At the time, I thought that it hurt Tom so much, that Tom would try to make it up to him on his next birthday. I was wrong. They sat inside and did absolutely nothing all night. Tom swears that's what Robert said he wanted to do.
Come on...what seven year old has ever wanted to just sit inside and do the same thing he does with his dad every other night on his birthday? Tom said he gave Robert some suggestions of things they could do, but Robert turned them all down. Well, of course...what did you expect from a little boy who lives his life reading his parents reactions and doing what he things they want him to do. Tom never does anything for or with Robert, they never go anywhere other than running some errands, so why would Robert think it was ok to want to go out and do something for his birthday? ugh...i'm still worked up about this.
A lot of the other arguments I had tonight had to do with Robert as well...but he's not my kid so why should I even bother to worry about how badly Tom and Faye screw him up? Everyone else has made it perfectly clear that I shouldn't give a damn about this little boy, so why should I? I don't know why I still care so much about Robert and what happens to him and what kind of life his parents give him. I want much better things for him, and I've been trying to help Tom for over a year now get situated so he can offer Robert a much better life. Everyone else continues to get in the way...and the more shit that happens, the less I care and the less I want a life with Tom. Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who can't get their act together regarding their own son? Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who lets so many other people interfer with his life?
I have a lot of thinking to do and some hard decisions to make...do you think we'll ever see some change?