I owe someone an apology for my last entry. While it was meant to be a joke, it wasn't taken as such and for that I am truly sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone and it looks like I did.
So, I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell you guys something. A few things, actually. For a while now, there are some things I haven't included in my journal. I never wrote about these things, only hinted, because I wasn't sure how a few people would react to them and because I didn't think it was very fair that I should make the announcememnt so to speak to the people in my life, but not him. I understand why he can't, because of his situation and all. But, understanding something is one thing, being able to accept it is another.
In the past couple of months, I've learned that understanding why something is is fairly easy. I'd like to think I'm a fairly reasonable person when it comes to understanding peoples problems and whatnot. The hard part, the extremely difficult part, the downright painful part of it is being able to accept it. Just because something is the way it is doesn't mean thats the way I would like it to be. It doesn't mean that I can just throw out everything I want, all my hopes and wishes, just to make way for whatever is.
Anyways, down to the important stuff. I have an announcement to make to everyone. I would like each and every one of you to know that I am in love with an absolutely wonderful person. I made my choice a while ago but could never bring myself to say anything...for a few reasons.
One, I wasn't sure how some of the people reading this would actually take it. Dan still reads this journal on a regular basis. While we don't talk nearly as much as we used to, I can tell he still cares about me and still wants to know whats going on in my life. He always asks me questions about how things are going between Tom and myself, but most of the time I think he's just doing it to get on my nerves or because he's prying. But I think he honestly cares and worries about me, so I suppose I can't really keep things from him. He was my best friend and I always used to go to him for everything that was bothering me. Since we broke up, I haven't really done that and I've worried about what I should talk to him about, and what I should conveniently avoid. So far I think I've only end up hurting him by keeping him in the dark. Just the other night he asked me to tell him what was going on, to make sure that I was ok. So I suppose I better not keep him guessing any longer. I just hope telling all of this to him is the right thing to do.
Two, it took me a while to actually admit this to myself. I was always under the impression that the moment you admit certain feelings to yourself, thats the moment you put yourself in a completely vulnerable position. There are basically two things that can come of admitting you love someone to yourself...complete happiness or complete pain. With the situation as it stood at the time, the pain seemed a little closer to reality and I tried to supress it as long as I could.
And three, I wasn't sure how he'd respond to it. As silly as this sounds, I've always waited for the guy to say I love you first. I was always afraid that if I said it, I would be laughed at and I most certainly would not hear those words being said in return. And again, in this case, with his situation being what it is, and him keeping me in the dark on parts of it, I was afraid to say anything to him about my feelings for fear of complicating things even further for him. But, we've taken the plunge and are finally able to verbalize our feelings. Things have been much easier for both of us, now that things are out in the open. That way our insecurities don't have much of a chance to get in the way.
So thats that, guys. I've finally shared my big secret with all of you. I suppose now that I've told all of you this, I won't have to hold back all of those things I've wanted to write about, but felt I couldn't because no one really knew what was going on. I know I haven't done much to explain the entire situation between the two of us, I'll get to that eventually. One step at a time here, ok?