I was definitely right when I said I would regret selling my Stratford ticket at least once this weekend.
Tonight, I really regretted it.
By the end of this week, I was really starting to get worn out. I really could have used a weekend away from everything just to kind of get my head back on straight. Instead, I stayed home and worked most of the weekend. And...some other stuff came up as well.
Last night my mood sank way down. Don't really know why, just found myself feeling kind of helpless and lost...and alone. Because I was alone. And there wasn't really anything to do either. So I sat there watching a movie, hoping that it would make me feel better. And for the time being, it did make me feel a little better, but not much.
This morning I woke up to that oh so wonderful cloudy feeling I get sometimes when my mind just isn't functioning properly and my thoughts were getting kind of out of control. I worked my shift...and that was that. Still nothing really to do. I had sat at home most of the late afternoon...doing next to nothing and feeling like crap.
But, it wasn't until later in the evening, after Steph got home, that I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time. Actually, it was a combination of a few feelings: hatred, embarassment, and resentment. Steph decided to tell me something she found out about my dad...both of us knew about it before, but I thought things had sort of stopped within the past couple of years. I'd mention it here, but it is just too embarassing to just put it out here in the open. If you really think you need to know what is going on, you know where to find me...just ask. But, all I ask of the curious is that you do not pass any judgement over myself or my family as a whole because of what he does. We have absolutely no control over my dad....and as far as I can tell, he doesn't even know we know...so confronting him about it is out of the question.
It has not been easy to live with this information, especially since I feel like I can't tell anyone about it. I mean, now I can talk to Steph about it, but its not really something either of us wants to talk about. I once went to my grandma about it, to see if there was anything I could do, and she just told me to forget about it and to make sure I didn't tell my mom. great...some family I have.
So that big shock really ruined my mood that evening. It made me think back to when I very first found all this out...and what life was like back then. I remember that when I found out what was going on, all I could think about was getting the hell out of my house. I could not stand to live there any longer, especially under the same roof as my dad. And even under the same roof as my mom, because she didn't even know what was going on. It was awful.
It still is awful. I kind of wish Steph wouldn't have told me what she saw... argh...I don't know what to do. Someone help....