A few weeks ago Dan asked me to come over to his house on my way home from Chrysler to get my birthday present. I wasn't expecting him to get me anything for my birthday so I was really surprised. I didn't have anything else to do so I decided to stop over for a few minutes to see him.
I also wasn't expecting to run out of his house crying hysterically.
There were a few things that contributed to this, all of which are my fault really. I made the mistake of asking him about graduation. W hen I found out that he actually did go to his graduation ceremony I lost it right there. I had asked him to let me know if he was going and if he wanted me to go so I could ask for the day off of work. He never said anything to me. And when he saw how upset I got by it, all he could do was say sorry. So there was that....
It also didn't help that he had gone through his room and found everything of mine to give back to me. I knew that stuff was still over there but I sort of forgot that it even belonged to me in the first place. My favorite pair of pajama pants have lived at his house for almost four years. I sort of forgot that I once wore them around my house. Then there were the slippers his mom bought me, a book I loaned him that he never finished reading, and a journal of mine that I let him read. It was the pajamas that really did it to me.
Then looking around the room I noticed that all of our pictures were gone. Of course, what should I expect, we haven't been together in quite some time, why would he bother to keep them up. But, the hardest thing was the picture on his cork board. Where my picture once was, is now her picture. I've been replaced. Seeing that picture reminded me that no one wants my picture to put up in their room. I've been bugging Tom for a while now for a picture of him, but he keeps telling me he doesn't have one. I get the feeling that he doesn't want me to have one and he probably doesn't want one of me.
As if all of that wasn't hard enough on me, then there was the birthday present itself. He gave me my favorite Japanese candy we always used to get from Noble Fish. I haven't had that since Christmas. And then he gave me a deck of cards and some puzzles. I couldn't stop the tears when I saw mancala. We used to play that game for hours when he first got that game. He got me my own set so I could play.
Its reminders like these that hurt the most. I won't be playing mancala or Set with him any more. When I cleaned my room a few days ago, I found a Wheatland bracelet and started crying when I saw that. It upset me when I realized I wouldn't be going back. I loved going to Wheatland with his family. I suppose its for the best. I should remember my last year as the year I let Simon go. But theres so much more I remember too, all the concerts, all the restaurants...and it all hurts. I don't understand why all of this still hurts....