A much needed conversation.
a: so, your neverending avoidance of serious questions continues
[04:10] a: what's goin' on that's keeping you up nights?
[04:11] es: a lot on my mind that I can't seem to clear
[04:19] a: what's on your mind?
[04:19] es: eh....just the usual. you know, questioning things in your lifeand all that
[04:19] a: any one in particular stand out?
[04:21] es: theres a lot that stands out....but recently I've been having these horrible attacks where suddenly happiness doesn't exist. all that exists is this hopeless, lonely, horrible person and nothing will ever get better. things just appear to be completely pointless and worthless and meaningless
[04:21] a: I understand completely, trust me when I say this
[04:23] a: Even the things you like/love doing on a regular basis seem not worthwhile
[04:23] a: Your future appears to be bleak
[04:23] a: And your past has consisted of failure
[04:23] es: yes
[04:23] es: you're completely worthless and no matter how hard you try, you will never amount to anything
[04:23] a: That pretty well sums it up
[04:24] a: And it doesn't matter what people say to the contrary, you know it deep down
[04:25] a: It sucks, completely
[04:25] es: and pain is the only tangible element in all of this...
[04:27] a: I hate the fact that I'll go out during the day and act is if I'm "like everyone else". I work, drive around, run errands, enjoy the sun, go swimming, chat with friends. It's almost as if I live another life seperate from all of this where I'm infinitely unhappy.
[04:29] a: You have good times, you get sunburnt, have great nights out on the town with Tom one and a while, undoubtedly "ravish" him as often as possible ;-) Win sales competitions at work, etc.
[04:29] a: But none of it probably seems to matter when you're in this mode of thinking.
[04:29] es: sometimes its difficult to keep that life separate though, it some how runs over, bleeds through to that other life and ruins that as well....but no matter how much it shows, you're still the only one who knows
[04:30] a: You might be having a bad day to everyone else, excuses come easy, or you didn't get much sleep last night, or you're worried about something instead of everything
[04:31] a: But you're right, it definitely bleeds into everday, it can make what should be a great time into hell
[04:31] es: yes, theres always one excuse or another to use if someone does notice, because its always so much easier to hide it than it is to actually let someone in on it...
[04:31] a: Or just make everything seem mediocre to the point where you don't want to "bother" anymore
[04:32] a: This is why I always used to say that you remind me of me
[04:32] es: but for some reason you always end up bothering with it, dealing with it....you never quite seem up to completely giving up, giving in
[04:32] a: It's why I read your journal like a fiend, because you were actually putting your thoughts out there, and no one knew how I was
[04:33] a: I could never give in completely, the idea seems tempting from time to time, but it's as if I'm programmed against failure
[04:34] a: The will to go on
[04:34] es: its only a start though, it still makes me no different from you....i still don't completely let go
[04:35] es: to tell you the truth, i cannot for the life of me figure out what it is that stops me from completely giving up
[04:35] es: things just keep getting worse, never any better, but i still keep taking it
[04:35] a: Acknowledging it helps though, fighting it is still inevitable, but admitting that this is a problem you have, something you have to deal with makes it a little bit easier
[04:35] a: the worst part about it is that realistically, nothing has gotten worse
[04:36] es: you think so?
[04:36] a: I seriously do
[04:37] a: you're with someone you care about deeply, you have a decent job, you're close to graduating from college, you had a sweet gig interning, you have a great appreciation for literature and music, you're intelligent, bright, resourceful, and easy on the eyes
[04:37] a: things are different than they were a year or more ago for you
[04:37] a: but can you honestly say they're worse apart from your perception of your current situation?
[04:38] a: the bad in your life has most likely always been there, struggles, missed opportunities, disappointments, failures, depression, it's there for everyone
[04:38] a: but from an outside point of view, I don't think it really does get worse
[04:39] a: I think it's in all of us to better ourselves
[04:39] a: Would you say you were more awkward in high school, or now?
[04:39] es: maybe only parts of life appear to get worse as time goes on, as situations change and all of that...
[04:40] a: I think it's easy to focus on the change that affects you negatively, and forget about how you've grown
[04:40] es: touhg call...I was completely awkward in high school, could barely talk to anyone. now i'm a bit more out going, but i still feel awkward on the inside, like the way I'm acting isn't right, it isn't me
[04:41] a: So, you're better, it's a process, not a destination
[04:41] a: I'm the same way
[04:41] a: I get glimpses into this person who I'd like to always be, but I feel awkward much of the time, can't be myself, etc.
[04:42] es: interesting insight... a process, not a destination
[04:44] a: Like, you and Tom vs. you and Dan, there's a lot of differences between the two relationships, you miss some of the things about being with Dan. Granted I only knew you after you and Dan had already called it quits, but just judging by the various things you'd write in your journal about Dan, there were definitely problems in your relationship. It's easy to focus on what's wrong now and look back on what was right then. You'll be doing the same thing next year.
[04:46] a: On that note, I'm going to go enjoy three hours of sleep
[04:46] a: Good luck out there, don't eat yourself up
[04:47] es: thanks for talking with me
[04:47] a: No problem, anytime
[04:48] es: thanks...have a good night
[04:48] a: nite
Can't say that I feel completely better after that, but it helps. I think I might be able to give sleep a try tonight. Thank you, a.