This is how bad things are getting for me right now. My head is still bruised, tender to the touch, from my breakdown the other night. I'm so exhausted these days...when are things going to get better?
[21:27] e: you know what i thought about today?
[21:28] f: noodles?
[21:28] e: eh...i thought about that last night....
[21:28] f: really?
[21:29] f: what did you think about today?
[21:30] e: if i were to kill myself, i would probably end up poisoning myself....take a bunch of pills or something like that.
[21:30] f: do i make you that unhappy?
[21:31] e: no, tom, you don't
[21:32] f: then what made you think about that?
[21:32] e: because i'm an unhappy person...i don't know, i just did. it seemed the most appealing out of any of the other ways a person could go
[21:33] f: well you know what my plans always were
[21:34] e: i know....i could never do that
[21:34] f: why not?
[21:35] f: i mean i couldn't really do it either, so i guess i'm not one to talk
[21:36] e: too messy, too painful...i'd probably start panicking if i tried to. at least my way, you eat yourself into a stupor and you never wake up
[21:36] f: yeah, but what if it doesn't work?
[21:36] f: you've a higher rate of failure that way than any other way
[21:37] e: how so?
[21:37] f: if you don't take enough or if someone finds you before you die
[21:37] e: the thing is....no one would find me
[21:37] f: why not?
[21:38] e: would anyone have found me tonight? no...
[21:38] f: how much did you want to tonight?
[21:39] e: i dont knoe
[21:39] e: know
[21:39] f: you do know
[21:39] f: tell me
[21:41] e: it was tempting tonight, the idea of being able to go like that, just not wake up, not feel anything any more....and i knew i would be undisturbed all night. no one would check on me and that would be that
[21:41] e: but i don't know how much i actually wanted to...
[21:42] e: just the thought of it seemed to pacify me for the time being
[21:42] f: you've no idea how upset i am right now
[21:42] e: i'm sorry, i didn't mean to upset you
[21:43] f: i'm pissed off that i let you get this bad
[21:44] e: its not your fault
[21:44] f: how so?
[21:44] f: did you think like this before you met me?
[21:44] f: were you this tempted before you met me?
[21:44] e: yes, i would think about it all the time before...
[21:45] e: i've just sort of revised my plan over the years
[21:45] e: before, i always wanted to jump off the bridge onto the expressway
[21:45] f: and this is better?
[21:45] e: it was such a long fall, i would probably be finished on impact, but in case i wasn't , a car could finish me off
[21:46] f: interesting
It makes me sad to think I actually could have pulled it off that night...no one would have known, no one would have noticed for days.