Just as I was feeling guilty about what I said in regards to my friendship with Sterling, after his most recent entry, I'm feeling not so guilt. I came home from work tonight and found a series of messages from him waiting for me. They were a bunch of links to old journal entries back when we were spending a whole lot of time together and talking all the time. Basically, he had been searching for any proof that he, at one point in time, had been a good friend and listener, and gave really good advice.
While I understand and appreciate his efforts to find this proof, I found it a little offensive as well. I felt like he was throwing this in my face, telling me how wrong I was to feel that way. And then I read his most recent entry...
2004-11-12 - 3:47 p.m.I'm not going to go back and delete yesterday's post because it wouldn't serve any purpose, and it does represent how I felt yesterday, but I realize that I'm too hard on myself.
It hit me hard when Katie called me a "superficial friend", as I remembered all the times I had tried to help her out, in most cases by just listening. I know I'm not always there for her, I'm not always online when/if she needs someone to talk to, I don't always answer my phone, and occasionally I don't check my voicemail for a long enough period to miss a message of hers.
My friend Kari called me in desperation yesterday. She had run out of cash and was in tears half because she didn't know what she was going to do between now and her next paycheck, and otherwise because she couldn't believe that she had gotten herself into this mess.
I calmed her down and told her to stop by after she got out of work that night.
I went with her to fill her gas tank, brought her out to dinner, and wrote her a blank check, telling her to deposit however much she needed to clear things up at the bank.
She didn't like accepting my help, she doesn't like admitting that there's anything she can't handle alone.
I'm not gloating, and I'm not trying to make an egotistical display of how great I am. People help other people every day. I'm no better or worse than the next guy.
Helping people makes me feel good, about myself, about life. I don't enjoy the thought of not being able to help someone in their time of need. I wish I could take everyone under my wing and give them exactly what they need at that moment in time. I wish I could solve everyone's problems. I wish I could save the world.
I can't.
So. I understand he feels the need to validate his actions and reassure himself. But I also feel like his journal entry was almost a "Ha! So take that, Katie!" sort of entry on his part, trying to throw his friendship with someone else in my face. Oh well. If that's what he wants to do, fine, whatever.
Again, I understand why he was so hurt by my original entry. But I don't really get the feeling like anyone else understands why I was, and am, so hurt. I guess I was just hurt by yet another person in my life who is too busy and has better things to do when I need them most. I have too many people like that in my life as it is, it stung a bit to realize that I have more than I realize. I was just sort of fed up with people who only feel like dealing with me when its most convenient for them, while I would walk to the ends of the earth for them if they asked me to.
argh....I don't really know where I'm going with this anymore...