After reading yesterdays entry, he wanted to know why I was always so threatened by her. I was a little surprised that he even had to ask...I thought I make it quite obvious, but I guess not.
I am threatened by her because of who she was to him. And who she still is to him. As much as he says she's still in his life only for the kid, I know its not true. She still tries her hardest to control him like she did when they were together. She still tries to make him miserable, because she knows its the only way she can get to him. I am threatened by her because she still wants to be with him...and I'm afraid of what else she is going to try just to get back with him.
I am threatened by her because of what she has done to me. Chasing me out of his house. Trying to follow me home. All the phone calls, voicemail messages, and text messages left to scare me. All her visits at work, where she'd pace back and forth waiting for him, but making sure I knew she was there. All those nights she waited for him after work and followed him home, so I couldn't hang out with him.
I am threatened by the way she makes me feel. How my stomach drops at any mention of her or all those things I associate with her, those constant reminders of how much she scares me. Silver Neons: I still jump every time I see one. His cell phone: she still calls to bother and frustrate him while we're spending time together. Robert: he has her same bugged-out eyes and looks too much like her to see any of Tom in him. Kenneth Cole: everything he wears is from her; I find it rather difficult not to be threatened by someone who makes more money than I do and could afford nicer things for him and had a discount he could actually use. There are too many reminders, too many things that suddenly make me feel sick for me not to feel threatened by her.
Maybe I'm just being stupid for thinking like this, but I can't help it. She has ruined too many things for me not to feel threatened by her. She has the potential to ruin so many more things for me that I can't just let this go. He says there is nothing he can do about any of this, that he has no control over the situation. How am I supposed to feel better about something that I've never had any say in, any control over when the person I'm with claims not to have any either?