Last day of 2005.
Already, various journals I read have posted their look back on 2005. For some reason, they like to leave the very last entry of the year reserved for reflection and sometimes closure. I don't usually follow suit when it comes to stuff like this, because more often than not reflection for me is more like dwelling on anything and everything that happened. And closure is very rarely found. But, since my journal seems to have a large gaping hole where almost eight months of entries should have been written, I think I should give it a shot.... I'm not doing this in the hopes that I might gain a sense of closure out of all of this, I know better than to expect that. And I'm certainly not doing this because I feel I need to reflect on anything that happened to me. This entry is solely for documentation purposes, so that I can say I wrote it down....
January
- Had to deal with the fact that my dad was having an affair with someone he met at work. Rather than taking responsibilities for his own actions, he blamed my mom for everything
- After being cornered and threatened by my dad numerous times because Stephanie and I told my mom information we knew about him, I moved out on my own. I did so without telling my parents, and this upset my mom greatly.
- Threw a party for Tom's 25th birthday and got pulled over by a cop for the first time while driving him home.
February
- Worked yet another inventory at Micro Center
- After going back and forth between my sister, grandma, aunt, and mom, my mom and I had our first dinner together since I moved out of the house. I was so afraid of what she thought of me for moving out, for running away from all the problems at home, I stopped talking to her. This was our first real conversation since I moved out.
- Walked out of work after being reprimanded by a manager in front of customers in an inappropriate manner. The issue was handled poorly by both the manager and HR in store, so I went to HR with the corporate office. They did revoke any files placed in my record based on my behavior, however, the issue with the manager was never fully resolved.
- Spent time with some friends, to show off my new apartment, and ended up getting in a huge fight with Tom because he couldn't handle the fact that I didn't want to sit in his basement with him and do absolutely nothing while he was stuck there because of the kid.
March
- Sat with my aunt in a dr's office for three hours while my grandma had major surgery. Met up with them a week later to have lunch with them and to make sure my grandma was ok.
- Had a few, major blowout fights with Tom. About what, I can't really remember. But I'm sure its the same stuff I fight with him about now.
April
- Had another dinner with my mom. Took me shopping and even bought me a few things I needed for my apartment. Also had dinner with my sister, just the two of us. Not something that happens all that often.
- Tom and I met with a loan officer to see how much money we could get approved for so we could buy a house. Learned that Tom has a better credit score than I do ;0(
- Attended two DSO performances.
May
- My 23rd birthday. Yes, a pointless birthday. People from work got together and threw a little party for me. Bought me a delicious cake from Astoria Pastry shop and sang happy birthday to me. One dumb ass we work with almost got us in trouble because he forgot his license. How do you forget your license when you know you're going to a bar?
- Tom bought me a baby turtle for my birthday, since I talk about missing simon so much. I named him Oliver.
- Mothers day at my parents house. The first time my whole family was in the same place since Christmas I think. My dad and I were actually civil to each other, but there was still some tension between us.
- Had my first real interview with GMAC Corporate Finance. My grandma bought me my first business suit, she was so excited. Interview took over three hours to complete, with all the people I had to interview with and the test I had to take at the end. No word back from them by the end of the month.
June
- Visit to the dentist, had to get my very first filling. From all that pop and stress.
- Attempted to see Robert play soccer after hearing him talk about how good he is and how much fun he has. Faye ruined that for everyone, including Robert. Spent the next couple of days arguing with Tom because his family would rather stick up for Faye than their own son.
- Received a rejection letter from GMAC. Despair sets in at the realization that I might be spending the rest of my life working at Micro Center.
- Spent an afternoon with my mom, aunt, and grandma at the casino. Everyone but my grandma lost money. My grandma sent me a check a few days later to cover the money I lost while spending the day with her.
My dad's birthday and fathers day were in here somewhere, but I honestly can't remember what happened. I'm sure it was more forced time spent with him being grouchy as hell.
- Took a much needed vacation with Tom to Boston. Fell in love with the city immediately, all while listening to Tom bitch and moan about how crowded the place is and what horrible drivers live there. Attempted to do an Irish pub crawl, but dropped out after 6 pints and switched to trying the clam chowder. Tom made it to 9 pints. Ate at the oldest restaurant in the US.
July
- Went to the Greenfield Village Fourth of July fireworks display with my family. Had a picnic dinner with my grandma, aunt, uncle, mom, Stephanie, David, and Tom.
- Found out my mom told my grandma and aunt that Tom has a son. Spent the next week or so explaining to them why I didn't tell them, without telling them to their faces that they are extremely judgemental and I wanted them to get to know Tom for who he really is before they write him off just for having a kid without being married.
- Got a brand new car: that jetta I've always wanted. Was able to get everything by myself, my parents didn't have to co-sign.
- My mom's birthday ruined, thanks to my dad. He was such a complete jackass who couldn't get past his own immature self to try and make it a decent day for my mom. I felt very bad for my mom, but had no idea what I could do about it.
August
- Had lunch with Dan to say goodbye before he left for Georgia. Ended up running to the bathroom to sob hysterically and made a huge fool of myself. Realized once again what a special person he was to me and couldn't figure out for the life of me why I screwed it up to try and help Tom. We split a creamcicle torte for dessert for old times sake. Road my bike home in the rain so no one could see me crying.
- Lost way too much money during the three trips to the casino. While I enjoy spending the extra time with my mom, I probably shouldn't have been throwing my money away like that.
- Got sucked into the tv show Six Feet Under
- Got together with Nathan, Jenny, and Tom at Jenny's house to play euchre. Everyone had such a good time, we tried keeping it going every Sunday. Didn't quite work out.
- Met up with Heather and her sisters for the first time in forever to see The Brothers Grimm. Took Steph along with me, thinking how cool it is to be able to spend more time with my sister.
- Had a night out with Greg for some much needed catching up.
- Found out I was pregnant.
- Had a night out with some guys from work, visiting a few bars. Ended up sobbing hysterically at the end of the night in front of two of them because of some of the stuff they were talking about. I was drunk and way too emotional, but I took all the stuff to heart, thinking he was telling me I never appreciated it when I had something good. Still upset about Dan moving away and him being so happy with someone else, I thought thats what he was referring to, even though he had no idea what was actually going on with me.
September
- Had a horrible time at the Renaissance Festival because Tom decided to bring Robert this year. All he did was whine and complain about absolutely everything. I'm fairly certain he was upset about having to spend the day with me because of all the crap his mother gives him about spending time with me. Proceeded to get a bunch of nasty text messages from her for the rest of the night, threatening me to stay away from her son. Told Tom we were over because I wasn't about to live the rest of my life with him not wanting to clean up his messes.
- This was the month of doctors appointments. Had an appointment to figure out my options. Started seeing a counselor to discuss recent events in my life and to see if its at all possible to get out of the deep funk I seemed to be wallowing in. Met with yet another doctor that handed me three huge yellow pills and an envelope containing what I referred to them as PoD (or pills of death because of what they did.) These are more commonly known as the RU486 procedure.
- Took a week off of work to recuperate from the procedure and to lay low. I wanted to avoid all human contact if that was possible. Tom disappeared for a majority of the time, doing little to help me out when I needed him most. Typical of him, since he seems to do that a lot.
- Spent an entire day with my family and Tom and Robert. Went to a picnic for my moms work, and then to a Tigers game so my grandma and aunt could finally meet Robert. Got stuck in traffic in downtown Detroit for almost two hours when I desperately needed to get home. Was an incredibly difficult day for me, trying to be social to everyone all while I had something dying inside me.
- Yet another Micro Center inventory.
- Fell in love with a cat from a rescue group. After two weeks, I was finally able to adopt a cat and bring her into my home. I named her Sophie.
October
- Visited my alma mater during its very last Homecoming game in its history. They are closing down my high school and turning it into a middle school. Ran into a few people I went to school with. Of course, the people I wanted to run into didn't show up.
- After months of fighting and begging him for changes in our relationship, Tom surprised the hell out of me with an engagement ring after an amazing night at Larcos. I certainly wasn't expecting a change like that, especially when there are so many other things that need to change before we can even think about getting married. Spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how I was going to tell my family. Steph was excited for me, my parents on the other hand were not as excited. Tom's family could barely look past their own feelings to say congratulations to either of us. At this point no one seems to think its a good idea.
- Tom and I take Robert to the cider mill and pick out pumpkins for Halloween.
- Once again, Faye finds it necessary to threaten someone because she is so put out by the fact that I am now in Tom and Roberts lives. Instead of threatening me or Tom, she decides to take it out on her own son, by telling him that if she ever finds out that Robert spent time with me, she'll make sure he never sees his dad again. Nice person, isn't she?
November
- My aunts birthday brings yet another day at the casino. Everyone lost except for my grandma, surprise surprise. At the end, my aunt and mom couldn't even drag my grandma out of the place.
- In an attempt to make amends between me and his parents, Tom invites all of us out to dinner, just to chat.
- For the first time in 8 months, Tom and I meet up with a realtor to discuss the possibility of buying a house in the near future. We look at a few houses, all of which did absolutely nothing to impress me. I do not want to buy a house in the area we're looking, but I don't seem to have a say in the matter since Tom never seems to take any of my arguments seriously.
- The holiday season starts to prove itself to be a stressful one, especially for Tom and I as the newly engaged couple trying to make both of our families happy.
- Then there was Black Friday, the day that makes you hate yourself for being stuck working retail.
December
- My sister turns 21 and has a weekend long celebration. Everyone from work gets together and gets her completely drunk. My family gets together the next day to celebrate, once her hangover subsides.
- Yet another month of doctors appointments, although all of these are completely voluntary. My new dentist has nothing to say, but makes me question whether or not I'll go back there. After a few rounds of blood work from my physician, I learn I am not anemic, but do have high cholesterol. Supposedly exercise and lots of fiber and calcium are good for me. Who knew?
- Holiday hours are now in full effect at work by now, driving all of us nuts with the early, or late hours, depending on which shift you get stuck with. Nothing like working retail to make you loathe the holidays.
- In an effort to get over the boring lives we lead with our significant others, Stephanie and I hit the town with a couple of guys from work and proceed to flirt the night away.
- Christmas comes with much stress, especially when it comes to trying to decide how to spend Christmas. Tom takes the whole thing out on me, blaming me for his family having to change tradition to accommodate me. He seems to think its ok for his family to have three Christmas traditions crammed into two days and completely forget about anything my family does.
- Steph and David leave for Disneyland after months of saving up money for the ill-advised trip. The next morning, they call up frantically asking my mom for advice when they realize they no longer have their luggage.
- The pressure of attempting to plan a wedding weighs down on me when Tom and I realize we don't seem to share views on weddings, let alone life after the wedding. I'm seriously starting to reconsider giving the ring back and moving on with my life.
And that brings us to tonight, the last night of the year. Given the issues that seem to be going on at the moment, nothing has really changed in a year. Tom, for the third year in a row, has Robert and won't say anything to Faye about constantly pawning Robert off on him when its the slightest bit inconvenient for her. We're going to a friends house tonight, but who knows how thats going to end up...I don't even know who else is going.
But that's my year. It wasn't a happy one, thats for sure. I wish more than anything I could have just slept through it, or that there was a way I could erase it from my memory completely. Overall, the feeling was that of despair, which certainly isn't a good feeling. And I can't remember ever feeling more depressed in my entire life than I did this year...
I've long given up making resolutions for myself, because they never stick. And I've long given up trying to make the first day of the new year a good one. I look back at my track record, and for a majority of the January 1sts in my life, only a handful of them have been even remotely decent. So, I have low expectations for tomorrow, and given the direction my life seems to be taking because of the choices I made, I have low expectations for the outcome of my life as well...
Happy New Year, if its possible for you....